Wednesday, April 30, 2008

No Small Miracle

Well, today we found out that the other twin also did not make it. Yesterday I went in for a routine prenatal exam, and our doctor couldn't find a heartbeat with her Doppler, so she scheduled us for an ultrasound this morning. I have two little babies there in my womb, neither of which are alive now. So now the decision is do I wait for a spontaneous miscarriage, or go in for a procedure? At first I was leaning toward letting nature take its course, but after talking with Brent and a few other close people, I'm thinking I'm going to get a procedure next week. We're going out of town on a well deserved long weekend to the ocean this weekend, so I'll opt to wait a few days, but I think at this point it's just best to have it done with and know that I'm all clear to try and get pregnant again. Even though when I got pregnant this last time we weren't "trying", now of course I'm wanting that second baby more than ever.

All this has really made me and Brent appreciate Willow so much more than ever, and is an important reminder of how miraculous life really is. Sure, it's a mundane thing, somewhere around 130 million babies are born every year. And one could argue, that is what humans are made to do, to reproduce, just like any other animal on earth. One could also say why would anyone want to bring a child into this overpopulated world, a world where so much ugliness happens each and every day, where in the U.S. any child born will surely use far more than his or her share of resources, just by being born in the most consumptive nation on earth.

And yet, what a miracle life is. We can look at all the people on the planet, all the babies born every year, and forget what those little cells go through to get here. It's an amazing and fragile thing, life, and especially when you consider the desire to have a little life and raise a little child to become a peaceful, happy, and productive adult. So many things have to happen for that little life to even make it out of the womb... and so many things can go wrong. So when we're blessed with a perfect little being at the end of long months of gestation, it is no small miracle. Our doctors feel elated each and every time they deliver a baby, and they've been delivering babies for at least 15 years each. I don't know how many babies they've delivered, but I've seen them at appointments just after a delivery, and they are infused with the miracle of life. Mundane as it may be, it's a miracle every time, and one to be treasured.

I feel so grateful today for Willow and all the children in my life. Willow couldn't be more sweet, or adorable, or fun. At the doctor today Brent and I both cried of course when we found out for sure that both babies had died. Willow was concerned that Mama was crying, and wiped her eyes in sympathy.

Later on, after dinner, she jumped with both feet off the ground for the first time, and she was so excited to show me! She came into the kitchen from the living room, demanding my attention, and showed me her jumping. Then, she wanted me to jump with her. I feel very lucky to have such a child in my life.

Whether we have children or not, or want children or not, we can never forget what a miracle life is... embodied not only in our own human children but in every living creature, each little flower that opens for us to see every spring, every leaf that unfurls, or egg that hatches... the miracle of life is one to remember and notice every day.

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